


The pain we share

by flaggermousse



Series: Soulmate Stories [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Developing Relationship, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Lily Evans Potter, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:02:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29318340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaggermousse/pseuds/flaggermousse
Summary: ~ The clearest sign of a bond is rather unfortunate; soulmates can feel their other half’s pain.In the first Quidditch match of their fifth year, James Potter took a Bludger straight to the face and fell of his broom. Lily’s shriek of pain could barely be heard in the roaring crowd, and if it was, it could easily be taken for a scream of shock. The resulting headache was nothing compared to Potter’s concussion, but the painful throbbing continued throughout the rest of the day.Lily had never felt this angry before. Whatever linked soulmates had clearly made a mistake; she didn’t evenlikethat arrogant bully.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Series: Soulmate Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168811
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43
Collections: James and Lily Fanfics





	The pain we share

_Of the many deep mysteries of magic, the bond between soulmates is one of the oldest and least understood. This link from soul to soul binds people together, pulling them towards each other. Despite the joyous, romantic view of this strange magic, the clearest sign of a bond is rather unfortunate; soulmates can feel their other half’s pain._

_From Soul to Soul: A Study of Soulmates by Amantius Schuyrling (1529 - 1630)_

* * *

Lily Evans first learned about soulmates on a warm summer’s day. She and Severus had bought lollies from an ice cream van, and sat talking in the grass by an old tree. Technically, Lily had bought both the lollies, since she was the only one with any pocket money. Severus _had_ said he was fine without anything, but it was so warm, and Lily had insisted on treating her friend. 

It was fun, being with Severus. He knew so much about the magic they both had. He answered all of Lily’s questions, and passed on all the secrets his mum had told him about the magical world. At some point during the conversation, Severus used a word she didn’t understand, and soon he was explaining the concept of ‘soulmates’ to her with all his nine-year old wisdom.

“Do muggles have soulmates too?”

“Mum said they have; only it’s really rare.” Severus licked on his lolly. He ate slower than Lily, as if he was trying to make it last longer. “Soulmates are sort of a magic thing, so it’s more common with magic people.” He smiled at her. “People like us.”

“So your mum and dad-”

“No.” Severus’ smile disappeared, and Lily hurriedly continued the conversation.

“I don’t think my parents are soulmates either. Mum didn’t feel anything when dad broke his leg.”

“Lots of people don’t have them.”

Lily frowned. “But mum and dad _do_ love each other.”

“Course they do.” Severus tried to balance the last part of the lolly on the stick before giving up and eating it in one bite. “People can love without the bond. The bond just makes it ... uh ... more special?” He chewed on the stick, seemingly thinking, before turning towards her. “Do you wanna try? To see if _we_ ...?”

Lily didn’t _really_ want to, but she didn’t want to seem like a scaredy-cat either, so she nodded. Severus searched in the grass till he found a sharp rock. He sat back down beside her, counted to three, and stabbed it into his left hand. The cut began to bleed, and Severus’ face twisted in pain … but Lily couldn’t feel anything.

She shook her head. “I don’t feel it.”

“Oh.” Severus seemed disappointed.

The blood wouldn’t stop, and they ended up going to Lily’s house to get a plaster. She supposed Severus would have been a nice soulmate. He was her best friend, after all. But all in all, she was relieved she hadn’t felt anything. Having a soul mate seemed frightening; like someone was deciding the course of her life for her. 

* * *

The idea of soulmates was more appealing in Lily’s second year at Hogwarts. It was a recurring topic when the Gryffindor girls gathered around the fireplace. A few had already figured out who it was. Alice had felt it when Frank Longbottom had burnt his hand in a Potions-class. Now it was all she would talk about. Mary thought it was embarrassing. She was the first among them to start her period, and the thought of some person somewhere feeling her cramps was mortifying.

Like several of the other girls, Lily sometimes felt pain for no reason. She figured that was her soulmate, but she didn’t know who it could be. Secretly, she hoped it was Cyril Caldwell. She hadn’t really managed to talk to the fourth-year Ravenclaw yet, but he made her feel funny whenever she saw him. She always tried to get the seat right opposite him in the Great Hall, if it was possible.

At dinner one day, Lily decided to see if they were meant to be. No one seemed to notice when she snuck her fork down under the table. Focusing on Caldwell’s face, she stabbed it into her hand as hard as she could. Caldwell didn’t react at all, just continued to chat with his friends. She thought she heard a small yelp of pain a couple of seats down at the Gryffindor table, but in the noisy Great Hall, it was hard to be sure. Lily felt her heart sink for a moment. Then, remembering how her parents did fine without the bond, she decided that she wouldn’t let that stop her.

The next day, when she asked Caldwell to be her boyfriend, he laughed at her and told all his friends the funny story about the twelve-year old that thought he’d be interested in a kid like her. Suddenly, she was glad he wasn’t her soulmate.

* * *

In the first Quidditch match of her fifth year, James Potter took a Bludger straight to the face and fell of his broom. Lily’s shriek of pain could barely be heard in the roaring crowd, and if it was, it could easily be taken for a scream of shock. The resulting headache was nothing compared to Potter’s concussion, but the painful throbbing continued throughout the rest of the day. Lily was sure she’s never felt this angry before. Whatever linked soulmates had clearly made a mistake; she didn’t even _like_ that arrogant bully.

The next month she ploughed through every book on the subject of soulmates, trying to figure it out. She found examples of platonic soulmates, people that never found their one, people that struggled to handle the traces of a soulmate’s pain ... but nothing on soulmates that were plain _wrong_. All the dusty old books agreed that no matter the shape, the bond between soulmates was the nearly always the strongest relationship in a person’s life.

Closing the last book, Lily decided she was going to defy the bond fate wanted for her.

At first, she wondered if Potter knew about it too. He _had_ tried to ask her out several times, and a pureblood wizard used to the idea from birth might blindly follow the one he was ‘meant’ to be with. In the end, she figured he would probably have brought it up at some point. What better card to play than ‘we’re bound together, meant to be’?

She secretly cursed all the times Potter got smacked around during Quidditch training. He was clearly up to other mischief as well; there were times when she woke at night to the fading pain of a beast’s claws.

But if it worried her, it wasn’t because she _cared_ about Potter.

* * *

Still ... slowly, ever so slowly, it crept up on her. Some spoke of the bond pulling soulmates together, but if it was, it was a very small part of it. Mostly, it was because ... Potter began to change. At some point, he went from being an arrogant, childish bully to a decent young man. Not everyone seemed to notice at first, but Lily, who had been watching Potter closely (for no reason in particular) saw it.

He stopped hexing people just because he could. He was still a trouble-maker, but the malice just wasn’t there anymore. Perhaps he, like so many of them, was starting to feel the War up close. Feel that these petty, little rivalries weren’t important in the grand scheme of things. Or perhaps he simply grew up. Once Potter shed that childish cruelty, Lily could see his other flaws in a different light. The goal of his pranks was usually to make his friends laugh. He could still brag and strut around the school like he owned it, but that didn’t matter much compared to how kind he could be. How he stood by the people cared about.

He had asked her out several times over the years, and she did not regret turning him down then. In their seventh year, _she_ was the one who asked _him_. He said yes _almost_ immediately, once he was certain she wasn’t messing with him.

* * *

“Did you suspect?”

They lay in the grass, staring up at the blue sky. James turned to look at her, grinning. He had seemed unable to stop smiling since the moment she’d told him. “Well ... I hoped. I’ve felt it sometimes, but I couldn’t be sure it was _you_.” He sighed dramatically, taking her hand. “Please accept my apologies for all the bruises I’ve shared with you through my glorious Quidditch career.”

“Can I look forward to more in the years to come?”

“Nah. I don’t plan on taking that road.” Eventually, the smile faded. Lily had half wondered if his face would be stuck that way, but now he seemed serious. “I’m going to join the Order.”

James watched her, waiting for her reaction. Joining the war effort carried far more risks than wild Bludgers. He still held her hand, and Lily squeezed it. “Me too.” They were in this together.

“I’m glad it’s you.” The smile snuck back on James’ face. “You know, this probably why I’ve always been drawn to you. The bond trying to pull us together.”

“ _Really._ ” Lily smirked. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“Probably because you got a will of steel so even the fates must bend before you, Ms. Evans. No one can _make_ you do anything. While I just got dragged to you like a moth to a flame.”

It was obvious he meant every word, and so Lily stomped down the impulse to tease him for being a pushover.Perhaps their differing attitudes in this was due to their upbringing. He had been raised in a magical family, where soulmates was seen as some romantic ideal. Lily with her muggle-background had been more sceptical.

Still, perhaps there was something in it. She had always noticed him, even when she didn’t like him. Maybe _some_ of that was the bond.

* * *

When Lily met Petunia’s fiancé for the first time, she didn’t ask. Her sister would not appreciate comments about anything magical, and that would include the idea of soulmates. Lily’s suspicions were confirmed when Vernon accidently slammed his hand in the car door and Petunia didn’t even notice.

Years later, Petunia married Vernon, and seemed happy enough even without the bond. Without the pain. Lily wondered then, as she had done before, if the bond really was the ideal most wizards made it out to be. Her parents, her sister, and so many others lived and loved just fine without it. Lily was sure she’d still have loved James if there was no bond.

What did it really give, except for pain? Perhaps Petunia was the lucky one in a way.

* * *

When they began fighting for the Order, the bond became both a blessing and a curse. It was a comfort to know that as long as _she_ didn’t feel any pain, he was alright. But that couldn’t last forever.

Lily was on a mission checking up on a possible hideout, when the pain began, and didn’t stop. It was bad enough Alice had to bring her back to the headquarters with Side-Along Apparition, and continued as she began screaming the house down, demanding to know where James was. It hurt and it hurt and it was only a trace of what he was feeling. Alice stayed with her as the others headed out. As the pain dulled, Lily clung to it; the bond wasn’t broken, and he wasn’t dead.

By the time the reinforcements got there, Sharpe and Wilkinson were both dead, and James was barely hanging on. They hadn’t managed to send for any help before the enemy overpowered them. Lily’s pain had been the only sign anything had gone wrong. It had saved him.

She spent the night watching over him, feeling his aches in her own body. Friends came in and out of the room, offering their sympathy. The clock had passed midnight when Sirius showed up, having finished his own mission. His face was pale and drained as he stared down at the man he considered a brother, and Lily wondered how she herself looked. Probably worse.

“... how is he?”

“They say he’ll pull through.”

Sirius swallowed, and turned to her. “And how are you? What do you feel?”

“It hurts. Don’t think it’s ever been this bad.”

Sirius pulled her into a hug. “You know, some scholars believe we share our soulmates’ pain. We take a part of it to lessen theirs.”

Lily had seen those theories when she read all the books the Hogwarts library had on soulmates. Back when she was convinced there had to be a mistake. It seemed so long ago now. “You mean I helped him through it?”

“A bit, yeah.”

“You think that’s how it works?”

“I choose to believe it. That the bond helps. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Outside, the moon was nearly full. Sirius stayed a while, until Alice came in to check on her. 

James _did_ pull through. A month later, when he asked her to marry him, Lily accepted.

* * *

The war was still raging when they had their wedding, but for the one summer’s day, they managed to ignore it. All their friends had gathered in the sunlight to see them become man and wife. The look on James’ face when he saw her walking down the aisle was worth all the time she’d spent getting ready.

Despite (or perhaps because of) the fretting of her mother, mother-in-law, maid of honour and everyone else that had had a hand in planning it all, nothing went catastrophically wrong. The cake was amazing, the music beautiful, and it didn’t rain. Sirius had the rings, and didn’t completely embarrass them with his best man speech. James didn’t step on her dress when they first danced. Or during any of the dances that followed.

“I chose you.” Lily whispered while they danced what had to be the tenth dance that night. The sun was dipping below the horizon, and stars had started to dot the sky. Her shoes were abandoned somewhere, and she could feel the grass underneath her feet. “Even if we weren’t bonded together ... I’d still choose you.”

James smiled, and kissed her.

* * *

When Lily announced that she was pregnant, James Potter, a man that had fearlessly fought in the war since they graduated ... became incredibly nervous.

“If- if I get blown up, or tortured, or-”

Lily watched her husband pace around the room as he imagined increasingly disastrous scenarios. She shook her head. “James, calm down.”

He turned to her. “You’d _feel_ it, won’t you!? And- and-” Lily got hold of him before he started moving again, and embraced him. James kept on babbling; “-and what if-if it hurts the _baby_ too? What if-”

Lily sighed. She understood his worry. They were barely out of school, they were fighting in a war; it wasn’t the ideal circumstances to raise a child under. “It’s only a trace of what you feel. Even _if_ something happened to you,” she clung to him, “and it better _not_ , James Potter, it’s just pain. I can handle it.”

James’ grip on her tightened slightly. “I don’t want you to hurt because of me.”

Lily smiled with more confidence than she felt. “Then be careful out there.”

James promised to be cautious, and he kept his word. He usually came home mostly unharmed the following months. Any pain from hits he took ended up being barely noticeable between all the aches Lily’s pregnancy brought along. She struggled with morning sickness, swollen feet, cramps and many other delightful problems her body had decided to grace her with. If James felt traces of it all, he didn’t complain. At least not until her water broke.

Lily tried to rest between the contractions, while James sat bent over in a chair. “Damn it all, this is _awful_.”

She glared at him. It had been hours since it started, and it just kept getting worse. “You’re only feeling a trace of it! How do you think _I_ feel?!”

“ _Yes, but how long will this last!?_ ”

“ _THIS IS YOUR BLOODY FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU-”_

The healers were apparently used to these kinds of scenes. They helped her through it, got them _both_ drafts for the pain, and in the end, James held her hand through the whole bloody mess, panting and jokingly cursing the bond. When they placed their little boy on Lily’s chest, it all felt worth it.

* * *

They named him Harry. He was the best thing that had ever happened to them, and Lily felt both happy and terrified. Their son was so small and vulnerable. He knew nothing but love and kindness in their home, but outside the windows of Godric’s Hollow, people were dying. In Wizarding homes around Britain, there were children that had known nothing but war; would Harry grow up like them? Lily often wished her son could have the safe childhood she had had.

But such hopes died when Dumbledore warned that You-Know-Who was targeting them. They had been fighting alongside their friends and comrades as a member of the Order, but now the years of risking their lives on the battlefield became seemingly endless days of hiding away. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. They tried to live life as normally as possible, at least for Harry’s sake. But the days became weeks, and the weeks became months.

They celebrated Harry’s first birthday with barely any guests. Whenever someone visited, Lily hugged them tightly when they said goodbye, hoping it wouldn’t be the last time. The most pain she felt through the bond at that point was James stubbing his toe. Thankfully Harry was too young to repeat any of the colourful swears his father used.

As the days grew darker and colder, the leaves turned red and yellow, and then fell from the trees.

Fall arrived.

* * *

Halloween was an ordinary evening, or at least as ordinary as they could make it. It was nearing Harry’s bedtime. James handed Lily their son, and she smiled as she began walking up the stairs to the nursery. She was halfway up when she heard the sound of a door blasting open.

“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! _Go!_ ”

Lily sprinted up the stairs, her heart racing. From the hall came the sound of someone shouting. She was in too much of a panic to notice the exact moment when it happened. The killing curse granted a quick, painless death, it had been said; but who had really experienced it and been able to confirm that?

It was only once she reached the nursery, panicking when she realised she had left her wand downstairs, that she noticed a sudden, cold emptiness inside. An absence of familiar warmth. A light that had burned in her for longer than she could remember had gone out. It had always been there, she had thought it a part of herself, never thinking twice about it. It was gone now. And Lily knew James was too.

The cold threatened to swallow her up, but the child in her arms pulled her back. She locked the door behind them, pushing a chair under the door handle the way muggles do. The window was too small to climb out off, and she could hear _him_ coming up the stairs. He forced the door open, and removed her attempts to barricade it in less than a second. Lily dropped Harry into the cot behind her and threw her arms wide, trying to somehow shield him.

“N-not Harry! Please, not Harry!”

“ _Stand aside, you silly girl_.”

Lily didn’t move. Did he _actually_ believe that she’d abandon her child? Was he offering to spare her? Why would this man, who was responsible for so much suffering and death, even consider _her_ life worthy of mercy? The pale, inhuman face didn’t betray any emotions as he repeated the command: “ _Stand aside, now_ ...”

“Not Harry! Please, take me, kill _me_ instead -” She didn’t want to leave her son. But if she could trade her life for his, she would do it. Some small part of her almost longed for it. The broken bond ached, a cold empty hole where James had been. She made no attempt to hold back the tears running down her face.

“ _This is my last warning-_ ”

“Not Harry! Please, have mercy-” Lily didn’t know why he was offering her a way out, but perhaps she could bargain somehow. “Please – I’ll do _anything_ -”

He took a step into the room, and she backed away from him. She bumped into the cot, and could feel the wood at her back. Harry made a noise behind her; Lily hoped he didn’t understand what was happening.

There was a flash of annoyance in the man's red eyes. “ _Stand aside_.” He lifted his wand. “ _Stand aside, girl._ ”

She was wasting his time now, buying her son a few seconds more. Harry should have had _years_ ; they should have seen him grown up _together_. But James was gone, and they were going to join him. There was no one to take away any part of her pain now; she was on her own.

But when the green light filled the room and she fell to the floor, Lily didn’t feel anything at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I enjoy Soulmate AUs. There are so many different types, and here’s my take on a fairly ... painful variation. I ended up making several small scenes, and tried piecing it all together.


End file.
